What’s Your Dating Style: The Four Son’s Dating Profile Revealed
By Micki Lavin Pell
Many people have likened the four sons to a whole bunch of different things. Being a Marriage and Relationship therapist in Israel, I couldn’t help but notice that the four sons also represent four different relationship styles that feature prominently in our society today. The four different relationship styles don’t only pertain to men. They may pertain to women as well. Have a read and see which category you fall into.
The Chacham (Clever son)
“What are the laws pertaining to the creator of a successful relationship? Please share with me the rules and boundaries that you (the person I am in a relationship with) have created for yourself so that I may respect them. Please let me know what your red lines are, so that I may not cross them.”
This son wishes to create a successful relationship from the outset. In doing so, he attempts to learn as much as possible about himself, his needs and everything that pertains to the creation of a relationship. He approaches relationships with a tremendous amount of responsibility and devotion.
He realizes that as long as he is true to himself with an eye towards seeking understanding of his partner, he will put himself in the best spot possible for creating a successful long term relationship.
The Rasha (Wicked Son)
“What is all this work that everyone speaks about? Work is for others, it certainly isn’t for me. If someone wishes to be in a relationship with me, let them do the work. And understand what my needs are so that she can meet them and satisfy me. Let my GF prove her worthiness towards me, and if I could be bothered, maybe I will take her out every now and again.”
The wicked son is motivated by receiving and not at all interested in giving other than in order to receive in return. He is fairly narcissistic, and not interested in creating mutual satisfaction or understanding. He is purely out for self-gain.
One may understand this son as having had an avoidant attachment (someone who had a disconnected relationship with their parents and caregivers at a very young age). He may have experienced trauma which has led him to avoid ever committing to potential partners. While deep down, he would probably want to be in a loving relationship, because he has been hurt so deeply within his core, he is now petrified of creating another relationship that may re-open his already tender wounds.
Without committing (the hard part) to relationship therapy, this person will probably remain in a place where he is neither able to truly give nor receive.
Tam (the simple son)
This son is pure hearted and simple. He attempts to siphon down all aspects of creating a relationship to the simplest components. He is not interested in creating an exciting and dynamic relationship, however, he does approach relationships with an earnestness and a pure heart. He is by no means a heart-breaker, but he is a keeper, as he is reliable and present.
Many women will sadly over-look this man because he doesn’t have overly exciting career prospects or an especially dynamic demeanor,
The Tam is however the sort of person that will never leave when things feel hard or too challenging. Needless to say this man would never consider looking at another woman for as long as he is with you.
If you are ill, he will scour the universe in search of a cure, because his love and commitment to you knows no bounds.
The Son Who Doesn’t Know What to Ask
This son knows he wants to be in a relationship because he feels like it. He has no idea what a relationship involves or entails. He is not sure what kind of woman he is looking for, because he isn’t really familiar with himself or his needs. He will date nearly every woman who comes his way because- well, why not? He will then complain that people just don’t get him, and that there is no one out there who is right for him.
This person may fall into any of the above mentioned categories if only he would be ever so slightly more introspective and take a little more responsibility for his own life, rather than expect everyone else to know what he needs.
One may read these 4 son’s different relationship types and assume that the Chacham is the one they should be striving towards. The truth is, none of these 4 people have it right.
A perfect relationship requires two imperfect people yearning to grow together and to work through there imperfections.
Whether our relationship with friends, family, and, yes, even Israel, our Jewish identity, faith and everything else in the chaos of life, we can only hope to try our best.
Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, MA is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, for 15 years. She has worked with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them create relationships which fulfill them, enabling them to thrive. With individuals she explores: the role of attraction; overcoming barriers preventing them from creating relationships, navigating the transition from dating to relationship to marriage. Working with couples, Micki facilitates healthy behavior patterns, helping partners discover constructive ways to address issues that challenge their relationship—communication, conflict resolution, coping with change, dealing with differences, unblocking intimacy, finances and overcoming trauma. Micki works with clients in Jerusalem and all around the world via Skype. Check out her website to learn more about how she helps her clients create the relationships they want and how she may be able to help you too: www.mickilavinpell.co.il.